I'm really stressed about school right now. Red tape is everywhere. It's like a red spiderweb and I'm stuck thrashing in it, trying to find a way out.

I just found out, looking at my degree progress report, that I essentially took an entire semester's worth of courses (16 credits) for nothing. They don't count for anything. My three German courses and a stupid elective course about Versailles. I suppose it's not a big deal considering I didn't take them all at once, and everyone should be allowed some electives, but it's making me nervous because I have to petition to stay at NYU another year to do my research and finish my major and minors. They're trying to take away my financial aid for this next year because I've done 125 credits already and typically people graduate after 128.

I've also been having nightmares lately about assorted acquaintances. For example, this morning at 2:15 I woke up abruptly after an otherwise normal dream about an amusement park that struck me with fear when one character, a boy I work with in the fifth grade class, miscalculated his cannonball jump into an elevated swimming pool. His expression of glee morphed instantly into blankness as he hit his head on the wooden rim and tumbled 20 feet to the ground, blood gushing from his injuries.

Ugggh why am I so bad at deadlines? The one for submitting my resume to the NYU class of 2010 resume book, which the school sends out to future employers for recruitment, was May 14, but I amazingly got an extension when I asked nicely via e-mail, so I went into the Career Development office to turn my stuff in. The woman accepted it, telling me there was one more step to complete by 5 p.m. today. Did I do it?

NO, I let it completely erase itself from my mind because I felt like I was finished with that stupid chapter of my to-do list, and I went and got a buttload of stuff from Trader Joe's, and mailed a present to my friend in Maryland. Then I also started downloading The Sims 3 for my roommate from an online torrent. WHY WHY WHY Then of course I didn't remember those "further steps" until 10 tonight, when they had already been erased from the Career Development site and I was unable to complete them because I was 5 hours late on my two-week late extension!

This is just like college applications all over again. Can't wait for grad school.

I wonder if anyone in another country has ever found as much patriotic enjoyment from a takeout meal as I just did from my hamburger (with lettuce/tomato/ketchup), seasoned fries and vanilla milkshake. Like, do Japanese people get sushi and udon takeout when they're sick and take obscene pleasure from eating a gastronomical symbol of their homeland? Or maybe Mexican people and quesadillas with margaritas? I probably don't know enough about international cuisine to be making these comparisons, but all I know is I was intensely proud to be American during the ten minutes it took my flu-ridden self to scarf down half my delectable meal.

I have the flu! :( It is unpleasant, and the guy at the health center was rude, but he was also very helpful. For instance, I am really not informed about how to take care of my body when I am sick like this; I generally just ride it out like some sort of stubborn Amish person and avoid any and all medication. (Do Amish people do that?) But I got some Benadryl and Sudafed, which I have never purchased or owned before, and I've been gargling with mouthwash to kill the virus bacteria in my mouth.

I had a fever of 101.3 when I dragged myself into the health center - which is thankfully still open for the summer - and honestly I wanted to die pretty much the entire day today. The elementary school had its Field Day at the Battery Park baseball diamonds, and I could barely keep my attitude above mildly perky, because my head was pounding and my whole body ached. For some dumb reason, I thought these symptoms were from allergies, even though I have never had allergies this bad in my life, and it didn't really add up. Yesterday I thought it might have been the excessive dander from my flatmate's cat, who is in heat at 1 year old and insists on rubbing her cat body all over my possessions and person when I let her out of S's room and into the apartment. Trivia fact: apparently it is not the hair of a cat itself that irritates humans, but the nasty saliva residue on their fur.

Anyway, I have been feeling really grouchy and irritable from this illness, and when the rude guy at the health center told me in his very asshole-ish way that I had the flu, I sort of tiredly panicked and asked if he meant the swine flu. He was like, yeah, if you want to call it the swine flu, but honestly it's just the same as all 200 other forms of the flu that exist, and the news is making a big deal about it even though it's not any worse than those other kinds.

I probably got it from the stupid teachers at the school who insist on coming in and GASP doing their job even when they're sick, and the children whose parents GASP go to work and can't take time off to nurse them in their own home, thus letting the kids cough all over everything/everyone while in school.

Despite my sarcasm, I am actually very understanding of modern teachers' and parents' reluctance to take time off work for a sickness, whether theirs or their children's. It's a very 2000s way to live life, to just stick it out and get the important things done despite the body's insistence that it needs rest. But I think that people should probably practice better going-to-the-doctor habits, cause I mean, doctors are helpful.

Uggh Firefox is killing me. It keeps freezing up my entire computer every time I try to open it. :( I have to use Safari now... which is fine, but it doesn't have my old toolbars and I didn't get a chance to import my Firefox bookmarks. NERDY TEARS...

Anyway, I'm moved in to my new apartment and I like it a lot. It is very very New York (mostly in its size haha) and the roommates are actually great. I think my clarinet was lost forever in my epic move here though. :( I feel like a very uninteresting person, so it's a good thing I'll be going back to work tomorrow.

Ode to a Bagel

O Bagel,
You are my world
My whole wheat everything, toasted please ya heard
Your salty brown self, with veggie spreaded hat
Is where it’s at, where it’s at
Riding on the bus, my writing hand slack,
I looked in my tummy’s mind for a perfect post-final snack.
Cookies too rich, PB&J too bland,
I was running out of time before my bus would land.
That’s when I saw, out of the window by my head
Pick a Bagel on Third!
My tummy stopped dead.
I descended from the bus, excited and nervous
For your sweet crispy body, oh so curvous
Just a few short minutes, and I had you in my hands,
The tastiest snack ever, man oh man
Ran up to the dorm, sampling a corner on the way,
Crazy and happy, you made my day.
Crunching poppy and sesame,
Salty tastes so good ta’ me
And that silky veggie spread got the colors I need
Carrots, onions, green things make me so free
My teeth tear at you, my round bready G,
And sometimes, bagel buddy, you’re hard to eat
But it’s ok cause you made my day SWEET

© AYF 2009

Maybe I'm delirious from all the studying/cramming, but looking back at this e-mail from my professor (of "Metaphors of Modern Theatre" - e.g. Sartre, Beckett) really made me laugh at the wonders of caps lock.

( ALL THE BEST FOR A FINE SUMMER!!!!!!!! )

He's an old fellow and not great at being organized/open-minded so I am rather glad I will not see him in a class again after my final today. But the picture of him YELLING at the top of his lungs things like "SELF-ADDRESSED ENVELOPE OR POST CARD" and "FINE SUMMER" brings to mind a crazy dictator at a podium not really sure of how to go about this whole tyrant thing, and it makes me laugh.

Rarely does the majority of items on a clothing site instill in me such a consistently strong consumerist/fashion lust, but apparently ShopRuche.com is the exception. I mean look at some of this stuff.


Mellow mustard embroidery sundress


Flowie garden love bow linen bag


Ferns and flowers charm necklace

I LOVE CARBS

CARBS CARBS CARBS

MY FAVORITE FOOD

GRAINS AND OTHER CARBS ALL DAY LONG

ALSO: is it weird that I want to blog-stalk anyone I know who happens to have a blog? Namely a certain attractive boy in my Bilingualism class who I will never see again after next Monday? He seems pretty tech-savvy, all I'm sayin.

(I.e. me and my roommate)

Primary school is about preparing children to live in a society that they had no say in creating.

Secondary school is about learning what that society is and the principles children need to know if they want to change any part of it.

Post-secondary school is about preparing to make the changes.

Life is the change.

You heard it here first. :P

Also, I really like this article I stumbled about teaching using the Socratic method. These "aha!" moments are the succulent juice I want to drink from teaching brilliant green neophytes.

YOU CAN TELL HOW FRIED MY BRAIN IS BY THE RAPID DECLINE IN MY WRITING QUALITY!

I almost feel like people are yawning prematurely as I type up my litanies of procrastinated work yet to be finished... then I feel bad and delete it. It's half-refreshing, half-soul-crippling.

Instead, here is a hilarious video: Accigone with Arnold Schwartzenegger.

For some reason this beautiful weather is making me impatient and irritable. Or maybe that's the horrible, burning lump I feel in my throat every time I swallow, thanks to this stupid, stupid sickness. My neck still aches a bit, and my nose is a mucous factory.

Be that as it may, I am all of a sudden really excited to get food at the Green Market this summer, take it back to my apartment (or Central Park!), and enjoy it with this look on my face.

After reading this article about the ingenuity of MIT students and how they want to change the world and help people, I am feeling increasingly that my major is useless. I want to help people, but is linguistic research helpful? It's helpful to the field, and I know that's valuable, and I know that I wouldn't want to all of a sudden give up studying it, but how can I make my life useful to people other than me?

I've got three concentrations going right now: linguistics, French and education. Education is the main public service of the three, and I really feel passionate about teaching. I just wish that becoming a teacher didn't involve so much bureaucratic certification and crap. I'm sure I can come out of it a better person but it's just plain annoying, since a minor in Ed won't allow me to teach right away.

French is great, and I'm learning some really great skills in Translation, and I feel very lucky every time I translate something or go to class that I have this opportunity. In fact, I feel almost like it's unjust, that I decided on NYU without knowledge of these great programs I was to enter into. My college choice was really really fortuitous because I am a moron, but I'm glad it turned out this way.

Anyway, the thing the article made me think most was, "Education is a great way to help people. But think about that later, cause that one's going to be in the works for a while for me. Now, linguistic research sounds pretty useless right now. Put that on the back burner for a sec. French, though, and translation, are really useful worldwide, because I'm so interested in spreading ideas from speakers of one language to speakers of another. But is there really the need for another French translator? There's definitely demand for French cultural products and French written work. But other people just as pretentious as me will take that up. I need to get started learning other languages, other cultures.

"I am so wrapped up in my Western way of thinking that I feel closed-minded. I don't like feeling that way. I always thought, 'Oh, the Arabic language doesn't appeal to me. Thai culture doesn't appeal to me. African languages are too hard.' How fucking idiotic! I heard some Arabic music in the documentary Mémoires d'immigrés and became very interested. It's amazing. It's language. What kind of linguist am I to say I'm not interested in things like that? A stupid one."

I want to learn more languages. How to find the time? The resources? Learning online does not work for me. Traveling is out of the question. Sigh. I suppose all comes with patience.

Memoires d'immigrés

Liz: [wearing a Slanket/Snuggie and eating cheese] ♪ Workin' on my night cheese! ♪
Jack knocks on the door.
Liz: Jack? Do you know what time it is? I was fast asleep -
Jack: I heard you singing Night Cheese.

Elisa: Liz, isn't there a Slanket somewhere you should be filling with your farts?

Liz is my hero in so many ways.

I am feeling extremely antisocial lately. It's strange because this bad mood is coinciding with the revival of good weather. Maybe it's just something that emerges when I'm feeling insecure, which would make sense because I seem to have undone all the work I did on my body last summer.

I'm pretty sure that I'm being totally a not cool person right now, mainly because I feel familiar urges to call people out on stuff that isn't their fault and also I feel the need to list all the grievances I have put on myself this particular semester, such as my six classes for the price/credit of 4 and my three main extracurricular obligations and my eternal wish to have time for myself blah blah baby crying.

Maybe my mood will perk up when I go back to work this week and start feeling useful again. And speaking of feeling useful, I'm rethinking (yet again) my old decision to not go to grad school after undergrad. It may be the prestige of either having a master's and being able to teach high school or having a PhD and earning people's respect, or maybe I just don't want my brain to degenerate. I'm also legitimately interested in doing sociolinguistic and/or sociological and/or linguistic research. However, a flaw in this plan is the fact that I have never taken statistics. What do I do?! Alas and despair.

Also this bad mood could quite simply be hints of a physiological cycle ready for its next phase...

Trivial post-adolescent thought of the day: Nowadays my favorite colors (blue and red) are my favorites for me. Not for any associations I have with them (e.g. how in high school I liked green because it was related to Slytherin and I was the saddest geek in all of geekdom), but purely for the fact that I appreciate the colors and the wide spectrum of their different shades. And, less importantly, how they look on me. :) Strangely, I feel that this kind of lightbulb moment is part of growing up, and I enjoy it.

On the other end of the growing up scale is my French professor, who has been growing up for much much longer than I have. I worry about this poor old guy, because he is an incredibly sweet old Frenchman who knows an awful lot about many things, and in spite of his old-people tendency to go off on tangents about these many things, he is incredibly lucid and together for his age. However, the cruel hand of fate is dealing him the obligatory health problems of old age, and it's terrible to see this intelligent and clever (two different things) guy have to go through that. I guess what I hope is that, when I'm that age, I will have lived an intellectually fulfilling life and become the greatest person I can be, as I imagine him to have done. So that the end seems more bearable.

Spring cleaning in my Hotmail. It makes me feel slightly blank, like I'm seeing all these memories after they've been flattened by time, and I'm opening them up in an empty white room and I'm not myself as I am now, I'm just... blank. But each old e-mail I see brings back a technicolor flash of old memory.

It's strange how many people have come into and gone out of my life in fewer than five years. It's hard to think any more of them than just the fact that they were there and are now gone, but I know they're still around... being people, having lives. I wonder if they remember me, because most of these electronic memories I have of them are very warm and smile-inducing. :)

It is an extremely sad fact that my professor for my Metaphors of Modern Theater class would not appreciate this. I am sure of this fact because I argued with him for an hour last week about interpretations of plays, and he insisted that my interpretation of No Exit was wrong because I was applying ideas to the analysis that "were not in the play." I think Grover and that other Muppet use a heck of a lot of stuff that is not "in the play" Waiting for Godot, yet they manage to do a damn good job of interpreting the play's total fucking ridiculousness.*

* - Absurdity, if you like.

Sometimes I wonder where human beings get off critiquing the value of what other human beings do or create. Honestly, what right do we think we have to say that something is "good" or "bad" or "right" or "wrong" based on our own insignificant judgments of quality? How dare we think we can decide the value of something belonging to someone else - especially their thoughts?

I'm getting really fed up with arrogance lately, and surprisingly, it's not solely because of any personal injustice that I feel. It's just something I'm observing more and more of in this academic community, and online as well. I would like to think it exists to a less outrageous extent in other sectors of the world and life, but I'll be honest - I can't know that. I'm stuck in this little bubble of bullshit for the next year and a half, and there's not a whole lot I can do about it while I'm under the control of tests, papers, self-righteous professors and university administration. I'm just glad I'm in this situation at the same time that I'm in a place like New York, where it's relatively easy to "get away" from it all.